This is my miscarriage story.
I share in hopes to encourage other mothers who have babies in heaven and to shed light on a topic that should be talked about more freely.
Late into the winter night, I was rocking an unconsolable toddler to sleep while the other cried without end on the floor. We had just decided it was almost time to open our family to the possibility of another child, but I was taking that back in my mind. "How could I handle more children if this is how things are with two? I don't think I could do it, God." Unable to calm them down after an hour, I fell asleep. With the sky still unlit, I woke to two sleeping babes in my lap and Bing Crosby singing, "I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads. And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds. If you're worried and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep and you'll fall asleep counting your blessings." Tears running down my face, God met me in that moment and I felt peace.
The next morning, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. Well hello little blessing! I had felt no symptoms so the news came as a HUGE shock. As soon as Jeremy came home from work, I told him by revealing a drawing of arrows with words from Psalm 127:3-5:
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."
He was shocked as well, but very happy! Christmas rolled around and we told our families in different, special ways. I've always wanted to do that. And as you could guess, Abigail was ECSTATIC and Weston had no clue what was going on. I couldn't wait for this little one to grow bigger.
Days went by and I realized the small symptoms I was experiencing weren't there anymore. Instead, they were replaced with this weird feeling on my right side and cramping here & there. While I was alarmed, I tried to extinguish my fears to make it through this holiday. We were out of town and the best I could do was to keep in touch with my midwife. When we got back, the pain subsided but my symptoms were still missing. The earliest I could get an ultrasound was days away no matter how much I pleaded. All I wanted was to have the first and last photo of my baby in the womb.
My twenty first birthday was coming up and Jeremy wanted to make it special, despite this tragedy unfolding, so he booked us a fancy hotel room with an ocean view. Before checking in, we saw a movie at the theater and had a great time, but when I went to the ladies' room, I saw bright red blood. At this moment, I fully understood the depth of the phrase: "my heart sank." I kept this discovery to myself till we got to the hotel room. I think I was still processing it. Jeremy was very concerned and constantly asked how I was feeling. I was in no pain though, so we went to dinner and tried to enjoy what we could of the night. It was my last day being twenty.
Many tears were shed that night. We both woke up before sunrise, naturally, and watched the dawning of the new day together. Then the pain came. I told my family what was going on, then we picked up the kids and headed to my grandparents' house, where we were currently living. When evening came, Jeremy ran a warm bath for me to try and relax in while my dad cooked a birthday dinner (I decided to still have a family party that night because...decisions were too hard to make at the time). Many thoughts swirled in my head as I sat there, surrendering to nature. The house was full of people who loved me yet, I'd never felt so alone. I was confused why God was taking my baby. And why today, on my birthday? I thought, "Surely He couldn't be right here by my side, comforting me. Could He?"
My midwife called after hours and asked if I could make it to the birth center in 20mins so I quickly got dressed and hopped into Jeremy's truck. My legs were shaking violently, teeth clattering, and I began feeling faint. Once at the birth center, my midwives used their low-tech ultrasound to see if the heartbeat or movements were visible. We all saw a tiny flicker of movement and for a moment my spirits were lifted. Praise God I got the opportunity to see this little baby alive. They gifted me some herbal calcium drops and told me which supplements to start taking immediately.
Jeremy dropped me off at the house so he could go to CVS and buy the supplements. When I checked to see how much blood I'd lost, I saw an amniotic sac had already been delivered. Stunned, I came up with many theories. Was this the reason why I was shaking in the car? Did I deliver in the car? Could the ultrasound pick up the baby outside of my body? Wait, was I pregnant with twins? Did one miscarry and one survive? Jeremy came back with the supplements and was equally confused, but we were set on the idea that I still had one living baby in my womb. I opened the sac to help answer these questions and my mother & grandmother came to investigate with me. Honestly, the best way to describe what baby looked like is like a gummy bear. I won't share photos online due to the sensitivity of them, but I am more than willing to share privately.
The pain was significantly reduced so I met the family in the dinning room for some potato soup dinner and a party. Throughout the whole thing I kept having mini contractions (I didn't know that's what it was then) and they were very distracting. When the party was over, I went to the restroom and passed the placenta. So that's why I was contracting! I was amazed at how this really was like a miniature birth. (Almost) Everything that happens with a term birth happened except it was all on a smaller scale.
We went for our ultrasound the next morning with high hopes that we'd see a surviving twin. The technician never measured a baby though. The room could not have been any quieter. The drive back was silent most of the way. When we pulled up to the house, the midwife called to confirm the miscarriage. Jeremy and I spent the rest of the day grieving together, praying, & discussing burial ideas. We decided to name the child Oakley to remind us of Isaiah 61:3
“To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting So they will be called oaks of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”
When it was time to pick the kids up again, it was hard seeing my mother and sisters. I just crumbled into each one of their embraces. It was time to tell Abigail what had happened now. Jeremy and I took her to the creek next door and gently told her that the baby had died and is now in heaven with Jesus. She hung her head low, asked a few questions, then spotted some clovers and frolicked through them like nothing had happened. We all went to the garden center to purchase an oak tree, then the hardware store for some oak wood to make a burial box.
On December 5th, I found out I was pregnant and on January 5th, we buried our baby. Jeremy and I planted the placenta first, then invited the kids outside with us. We took photos, buried Oakley, sang Jesus Loves Me, then took turns praying.
This is what I said that day: "God doesn’t waste a single tear, so this moment will be used for HIS glory. We serve a mighty God who knows The Whole Picture. Even though we see our lives through pieces, we find comfort in knowing it’s not our job to figure out this infinite puzzle. It’s our job to point to the Creator. HE IS STILL GOOD!"
And He is still good. Our precious Oakley is in the presence of GOD today. And one day we are going to see him, but with a PERFECT body. I spent days grieving over the loss of our child, but found God's peace quickly because I realized Oakley was never mine to loose! He belongs to our Father above and I am thankful I got to be apart of his life.
If you've gone through a miscarriage before and haven't found the God-given peace that I've mentioned, I pray you do. I pray that you learn to release all pain, all doubt, and all fears. And if you haven't experienced this, there's definitely still spiritual things you can take away from this story, but also use this as insight so that you may know how to comfort those around you who are grieving.
