Oakley Parsons - Born 1.3.2018

This is my miscarriage story.

I share in hopes to encourage other mothers who have babies in heaven and to shed light on a topic that should be talked about more freely.

Late into the winter night, I was rocking an unconsolable toddler to sleep while the other cried without end on the floor. We had just decided it was almost time to open our family to the possibility of another child, but I was taking that back in my mind. "How could I handle more children if this is how things are with two? I don't think I could do it, God." Unable to calm them down after an hour, I fell asleep. With the sky still unlit, I woke to two sleeping babes in my lap and Bing Crosby singing, "I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads. And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds. If you're worried and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep and you'll fall asleep counting your blessings." Tears running down my face, God met me in that moment and I felt peace.

The next morning, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. Well hello little blessing! I had felt no symptoms so the news came as a HUGE shock. As soon as Jeremy came home from work, I told him by revealing a drawing of arrows with words from Psalm 127:3-5:

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."

He was shocked as well, but very happy! Christmas rolled around and we told our families in different, special ways. I've always wanted to do that. And as you could guess, Abigail was ECSTATIC and Weston had no clue what was going on. I couldn't wait for this little one to grow bigger.

Days went by and I realized the small symptoms I was experiencing weren't there anymore. Instead, they were replaced with this weird feeling on my right side and cramping here & there. While I was alarmed, I tried to extinguish my fears to make it through this holiday. We were out of town and the best I could do was to keep in touch with my midwife. When we got back, the pain subsided but my symptoms were still missing. The earliest I could get an ultrasound was days away no matter how much I pleaded. All I wanted was to have the first and last photo of my baby in the womb.

My twenty first birthday was coming up and Jeremy wanted to make it special, despite this tragedy unfolding, so he booked us a fancy hotel room with an ocean view. Before checking in, we saw a movie at the theater and had a great time, but when I went to the ladies' room, I saw bright red blood. At this moment, I fully understood the depth of the phrase: "my heart sank." I kept this discovery to myself till we got to the hotel room. I think I was still processing it. Jeremy was very concerned and constantly asked how I was feeling. I was in no pain though, so we went to dinner and tried to enjoy what we could of the night. It was my last day being twenty. 

Many tears were shed that night. We both woke up before sunrise, naturally, and watched the dawning of the new day together. Then the pain came. I told my family what was going on, then we picked up the kids and headed to my grandparents' house, where we were currently living. When evening came, Jeremy ran a warm bath for me to try and relax in while my dad cooked a birthday dinner (I decided to still have a family party that night because...decisions were too hard to make at the time). Many thoughts swirled in my head as I sat there, surrendering to nature. The house was full of people who loved me yet, I'd never felt so alone. I was confused why God was taking my baby. And why today, on my birthday? I thought, "Surely He couldn't be right here by my side, comforting me. Could He?"
My midwife called after hours and asked if I could make it to the birth center in 20mins so I quickly got dressed and hopped into Jeremy's truck. My legs were shaking violently, teeth clattering, and I began feeling faint. Once at the birth center, my midwives used their low-tech ultrasound to see if the heartbeat or movements were visible. We all saw a tiny flicker of movement and for a moment my spirits were lifted. Praise God I got the opportunity to see this little baby alive. They gifted me some herbal calcium drops and told me which supplements to start taking immediately.

Jeremy dropped me off at the house so he could go to CVS and buy the supplements. When I checked to see how much blood I'd lost, I saw an amniotic sac had already been delivered. Stunned, I came up with many theories. Was this the reason why I was shaking in the car? Did I deliver in the car? Could the ultrasound pick up the baby outside of my body? Wait, was I pregnant with twins? Did one miscarry and one survive? Jeremy came back with the supplements and was equally confused, but we were set on the idea that I still had one living baby in my womb. I opened the sac to help answer these questions and my mother & grandmother came to investigate with me. Honestly, the best way to describe what baby looked like is like a gummy bear. I won't share photos online due to the sensitivity of them, but I am more than willing to share privately.
The pain was significantly reduced so I met the family in the dinning room for some potato soup dinner and a party. Throughout the whole thing I kept having mini contractions (I didn't know that's what it was then) and they were very distracting. When the party was over, I went to the restroom and passed the placenta. So that's why I was contracting! I was amazed at how this really was like a miniature birth. (Almost) Everything that happens with a term birth happened except it was all on a smaller scale.

We went for our ultrasound the next morning with high hopes that we'd see a surviving twin. The technician never measured a baby though. The room could not have been any quieter. The drive back  was silent most of the way. When we pulled up to the house, the midwife called to confirm the miscarriage. Jeremy and I spent the rest of the day grieving together, praying, & discussing burial ideas. We decided to name the child Oakley to remind us of Isaiah 61:3

“To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting So they will be called oaks of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

When it was time to pick the kids up again, it was hard seeing my mother and sisters. I just crumbled into each one of their embraces. It was time to tell Abigail what had happened now. Jeremy and I took her to the creek next door and gently told her that the baby had died and is now in heaven with Jesus. She hung her head low, asked a few questions, then spotted some clovers and frolicked through them like nothing had happened. We all went to the garden center to purchase an oak tree, then the hardware store for some oak wood to make a burial box.

On December 5th, I found out I was pregnant and on January 5th, we buried our baby. Jeremy and I planted the placenta first, then invited the kids outside with us. We took photos, buried Oakley, sang Jesus Loves Me, then took turns praying.

This is what I said that day: "God doesn’t waste a single tear, so this moment will be used for HIS glory. We serve a mighty God who knows The Whole Picture. Even though we see our lives through pieces, we find comfort in knowing it’s not our job to figure out this infinite puzzle. It’s our job to point to the Creator. HE IS STILL GOOD!"

And He is still good. Our precious Oakley is in the presence of GOD today. And one day we are going to see him, but with a PERFECT body. I spent days grieving over the loss of our child, but found God's peace quickly because I realized Oakley was never mine to loose! He belongs to our Father above and I am thankful I got to be apart of his life.

If you've gone through a miscarriage before and haven't found the God-given peace that I've mentioned, I pray you do. I pray that you learn to release all pain, all doubt, and all fears. And if you haven't experienced this, there's definitely still spiritual things you can take away from this story, but also use this as insight so that you may know how to comfort those around you who are grieving.

My Harvey Story

On August 26th 2017, I experienced the scariest moments of my life. We had no idea it would be this bad. It was just supposed to be a tropical storm with a little surge. This is my Harvey story.

We watched the movie Twister with my family the day before the flooding began. I don't recommend watching this movie during an actual natural disaster because it's pretty terrifying haha. Wind was whipping trees around just as hard as they were in the movie so there was a fine line between what was real and what was fiction. We prepared ourselves for power outages and some mild flash flooding; gathering water bottles, flashlights, ice chests, and toiletries. I dare to say it was actually fun spending this close intimate time with my family. Mild survival mode, when you "know" nothing bad will actually happen, gives me this adrenaline rush that I crave; no electricity and just "roughing it" with loved ones. To keep Abigail from paying too much attention to the storm coming, we had a tea party with all the girls in the house, colored, made forts, and watched plenty movies.

My sister and the kids had gone to bed for the night. It was by the grace of God that they were already upstairs because they slept peacefully till morning. Me, Jeremy, and my parents all stayed up to stake out the storm and at 1:00am we saw that the water was rising from the lake, almost to the yard. We expected this though so we weren't terribly alarmed. The worst case we imagined was the water getting an inch or two into the house. We kept a careful eye on the water and once it entered the pool, we began moving our belongings on the ground upstairs. Then around 2:00am, the water entered the house.

Time was so valuable at this point. Our first priority was locating the most important items and moving them up like lock boxes, tax papers, health information, and wedding memorabilia. Second priority, move everything up that would get destroyed in 1 foot of water. Difficult decisions were made at this point. My parents had JUST gifted us our old family piano days before this storm and we couldn't raise it to save it. Jeremy built a very nice computer desk and tv stand but we decided not to attempt to move them due to them being lower on the priority list. My parents had so much in the office, gameroom, and garage that was about to perish. The water continued to rise into the garage and we were dumbfounded, but there was no time to fully absorb what was happening. We had to keep going. My dad ran outside to his car and backed into their small brick border wall in the driveway so the water would be directed away from the garage for a little while; saving us more time. Soon enough though, it reached the front door. We couldn't find any sandbags to help absorb, so it welcomed itself right in.

An an hour or so later, my dad waded through the water to grab headlamps out of his car. Then we heard a loud, powerful electrical noise coming from the street. I looked out the kitchen window and saw the transformer arcing; orange and blue electric volts shooting out. I ran down the stairs to the edge of the water to call for my dad to see if he was okay. No answer. Over and over I called without an answer. My mom and Jeremy came to the stairs and asked where he was or what was going on (I can't remember). I tried to form a sentence but all I could say was, "I don't know I've been calling him he's in the water he won't answer." I was hysterical. My mom was scared too. Jeremy entered the water, calling his name without response. He made it to the car and my dad had been sitting inside in case the water was electrocuted. I don't remember what happened after that. My memory is completely blank.

The remaining wee-hours of the morning were a blur of trips up and down the stairs and messy, desperate prayers. No one got much more than an hour or two of sleep...except my precious kids and sister. When we woke up, the water measured 22 inches in the house and to my surprise, Abigail wasn't worried about the water at all. She thought it was quite amusing! We were without power for a while but my dad had the generator hooked up to the fridge, deep freezer, and a few more things. So glad my parents had a gas stove! We waded through the water with the kids on our shoulders to my grandparents house on the 27th, but ended up staying there till the water receded the next day. Then we walked back and fourth with suitcases carrying diapers, clothes, and other belongings so we could stay longer. We lived there for 10 months until we bought our first home in June of this year. My parents still live in their devastated home due to HOA restrictions and setbacks but hope to be tearing down in the coming months. The flood and wind damage was far too great to be worth repairing. 

Many items were lost, but PRAISE THE LORD we were all safe. I feel as if we gained more than we lost with this storm and I couldn't say it then, but I am grateful for my experiences. The day after, I wrote this "When I was walking through the water, frantically grabbing everything I could, I felt a little abandoned by God. Watching the lake consume the backyard and enter the house was utterly and completely overwhelming. The transformer's orange and blue electric volts, creating a deadly firework display, turned this bad dream into a nightmare. I wish I had read Isaiah 43:2 last night because I was blind to the blessings I was receiving through all of this. When the LORD revealed himself to me, He reminded me of his forever sovereignty. Fix your eyes on Jesus Christ and he will bless you abundantly all the days of your life."

And to end on a silly note, I will leave you with a photo of my dad & sister kayaking to return their Redbox DVD on time. See you for the next story! Did Hurricane Harvey teach you anything?

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

One Year Later

Over a year has passed since I last wrote a blog post & I finally feel like I'm at a point in life where I don't just want to pick it back up. I need to.

Before I pick up where I left off, I need to share my personal stories of what I've experienced while away. There has been great joy & great sorrow, disasters & miracles, life & death. One common factor in every story though is that God has never left me. There were times when I doubted His care for every detail of my life, but He always reassured me.

My first story will be coming soon, but for now I'd like to let you know we bought our first house! We've been here 2 months exactly and it's sure been a rollercoaster. We began renovating before we even finished unpacking our boxes and we still have some bare concrete floors and missing half-painted cabinet doors, haha! Totally going to share those before/after photos when we're all finished (...whenever that may be).

Before I get asked again, no, I do not have intentions to start vlogging again on YouTube. I could create an entire blog post about the many reasons why but in short, I want to use my time in other ways. I wish I had the time to create those awesome home videos but the editing steals too much time and sleep.

There's SO many things I wish to write about. Homeschooling, recipes, cleaning DIYs, gardening, urban homesteading, Jesus, & CHICKENS! Yes, we will be getting our first flock of chicks next year and I'm ecstatic!! 

Ahh, It feels good to be typing again. I'll talk to y'all again very soon!